When it happened, I was out of Bologna, on the Iberian Peninsula. And I had two friends (and classmates) in the city.
So my reactions to what happened might be a little different than anyone else's.
But this is what I've been feeling for the past few weeks.
On my flight out to Spain, I felt like something was wrong. There was a knot in my stomach for the entire flight, and it didn't untwist until we were in our hotel and had eaten dinner. And then we got back, and everything came crashing back.
After we got up the next morning, everything seemed different. I had a wonderful time, but underneath all of it was a lingering sense of dread and fear - of wondering how long the buildings and historic sites I was seeing, the restaurants and cafes that my roommate and I were walking into, would last after we went to them - if, when I turned the corner, that corner would be the last thing I saw.
Getting on the airplane to Bologna, I had my bags searched because I had purchased soap and they thought it could be explosives.
In Bologna, I found out that they cancelled our school trip to Paris - at the time, I figured, because of all of the raids occurring and the issues of having students there when there could still be a viable attack.
Walking to classes in the town center that Monday was a nightmare. For the first time on the whole trip, I didn't feel like being an American gave me any protection at all. If anything, it put a giant red target on my back. And it made me nervous.
All I wanted to do was forget that anything had happened in Paris. My friends made it back safe, and so I wanted to ignore the fact that they had nearly died (and that Europe was beginning to embroil itself in what appears to be the beginnings of WWIII). But my professors insisted on discussing everything - the background of Islamic radicalism, the reasons for the bombings, and what Europe would do next. My friends were allowed to leave the room. I was not.
Tuesday, we had a group meeting that was supposed to be about why we had cancelled the Paris trip. What it turned into was a "let's share our feelings" meeting - which I'm not opposed to, but I had not signed up for a feelings session. I was there for strictly business. I wanted to get in and get out.
And then, our director informed us that he had cancelled the trip, not because he thought it wasn't safe to go to Paris (in fact, he encouraged us to still go if we wanted so that we wouldn't have to lose the tickets we had all bought), but because he didn't want to deal with getting all of us through the increased security in places like the Louvre (which already has some of the tightest security in the world for a museum, so that would've been a hassle anyway). And I was slightly upset - because of all the reasons to not go to Paris, that seemed like a horrible one.
And after Wednesday, it was like nothing had ever happened in Paris. Europeans haven't really done anything different - in fact, Italy said they would be stepping up their security measures, but I've been through the airport twice since they've said so, and I have yet to see it happen.
Yes, the events in Paris are and were terribly sad. And yes, I probably could've gone this weekend and been perfectly safe there (and probably safer than anywhere else in Europe).
But I chose not to.
Because I feel like Paris (and France together) are still in mourning. And I'm not sure that I would have enjoyed a visit to Paris right now, two weeks after the tragedy. Yes, I had classmates who went this weekend and had a wonderful time. But Paris is my dream - ever since I realized that I wanted to study French Rev, I've wanted to go there. And I want to enjoy my dream.
This just wasn't the time to do it.
If I've learned anything from my studies, though, it's that the French are the wrong people to mess with. Attack them - take away their rights, their bread, their land; destroy their cities, kill their people, occupy their towns - and they unify and attack right back.
France will come out of this more unified than we have seen them in a long time.
I send prayers towards Paris, and the people who live in France. May your nation find peace again.
"Français, en guerriers magnanimes
Portez ou retenez vos coups!
Épargnez ces tristes victimes,
À regret s'armant contre nous."
- La Marseillaise, French national anthem dating to the French Revolution
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